In praise of...

Whenever life gets a little tough, or just downright impossible there always find that there's someone willing to listen to you.


This person is the best listener in the world, you can sit for hours and they will just listen, let you get it off your chest.


This person is everyhwhere, and yet someone we barely acknowledge in our modern day lives full of TV, gizmos and the such.


This person is so very wise, caring and decent. I am talking, of course, about Captain Birdseye.


and so, this one is for you Cap'n Birseye:

So farewell then
Captain Birdseye
you nourished us
all with your fish
fingers up
until now you
always looked so old
then youthful and stubbly
faced. why the grumpy
look?
you daft
old seagull

SECXY GRL STIPS AND GET NKED IN BATH LOL

I fucking hate spammers.
I never used to get any spam as my spam filter was pretty good, but then, one day it all happened: even more bloody spam e-mails. The levels don't seem to be as bad as they were in 1998 but there is still tonnes of the stuff - and the worst part? it insults our intelligence.

Take this little gem I received the other day: RE: TRANSFER OF (USD 16.6 MILLION).

'Odd' I thought, 'I don't remember contacting someone called Siraj Diop about getting over sixteen and a half million dollars for free'. I scratched my nuts. 'Must be too good to be true, but let's have a look anyway:

Dear so and so, etc etc; I am a loaded banker in Senegal and some git's dead and I want to defraud his family of their millions of dollars of inheritance, could you perchance give me your bank details? I'll bung you 35%.


'I am Mr Siraj Diop, (Bsc,Msc) the Auditor General of one of the prime banks here in Dakar Senegal'

'I need truthful person in this business because I don't want to make mistake I need your strong assurance and trust. With my position now in the office I can transfer this money to any foreigner's reliable person, intact pending my physical arrival in your country for sharing. and I want to remaind you that your share has been carculated at 35% of the total sum and 5 will map out for the transfer expenses .

Best Regard.
Mr. Siraj Diop

Bullet-proof story, of course. 16.6 Million is too good to be true but a paltry 35% of that is only about 5 Million dollars / 2 -3 million quid or so. which is much more realistic, with this in mind I got in touch with Mr Diop to make my fortune:

'Dear Mr Diop, I am thrilled and intrigued by your offer of 35% of 16.6 Million USD. I, being a gullible idiot would gladly trust you- a fraudster - with my Bank account details and certainly not question how it came to be that you acquired my email address. So without further ado here they are:

39-39-00
1234567890
Mr Donald H Duck, Royal Bank of Bloody Liberties

I have also taken the liberty of transferring all of my worldly monies into your account, as you will doubtless need these to 'transfer' the 16.6 Million USD due to 'an unforeseen complication' that will shortly arise, much to your excusatory charm I am sure. I look forward to further correspondence with you Mr Diop; it is certainly a trustworthy man who reckons himself to be not only a 'Msc' but is also pretentious enough to list the lesser 'Bsc' so that he has more letters after his name, in an attempt to curtail the matter of his mediocre grammar and dubious spelling - calling into question his intelligence and, indeed, authenticity.

lick my balls you cunting shyster

Lucassen

(Lucassen is my alias, and in case you're wondering: No, my real name isn't Donald H Duck)

Where was I? Oh yes. It insults our intelligence - do they really think anyone is going to fall for this stuff? DOES anyone fall for it? Sadly I expect that they do, it the same with all the crap about nowadays.

Lads Mags: ever had a look at the back cover? it used to be there was some good old-fashioned smut there: phone numbers where some ugly tart would talk dirty to feckless wankers for £2 a minute.

NOT ANYMORE! No, now it's:

Buy these pills for £8 a bag! If you thought those other pills were good then these will really blow your mind!! Over 3 times better than the original pills! buy 40 bags and get 20p discount! Mega-PILLS!

(no one knows what the sod they do)

Ring 0804750437 to get a picture of Big Brother's latest trollop with her tits out! Never seen before!

Step-right up and get your very own copy of The Paris Hilton Sex Tape!

X-FACTOR Gossip!

Call now and get a load of silly buggers for your mobile for a mere £13.50 per week and get a FREE ringtone!

FREE porn!

FREE sex tips!

FREE Plasma TV!

FREE Nelson Mandela!

Bollocks to it.

Hoodies

I was reading a supplement called 'Live' in the Daily Mail today when I happened across an article suggesting that 'Hoodies' should not be 'hugged' but humiliated.

Jolly good, I thought.

Actually I thought it was drivel to be honest, how one can blame a particular garment for a youth crime wave - the whole thing stinks of 'moral panic'.
Hoodies are banned in my local shopping centre, because only thugs wear them - statistics say so; that the underclass - thats unemployed, benefit scrounging, Special Brew drinking criminals to you and me - wear hoodies.
Pity, I was quite getting used to my Hoodie - its a black one with the word 'Nike' one the front, and the disapproving stares it garnered me. I personally would quite like a hug from David Cameron (have you seen his hair? lovely) now I can expect the general public to point and laugh instead, according to the article in question.

My Nana bought my Hoodie for me, because she's very nice - I got my ipod free with my bank account, it's got Handel's Messiah on it at the moment.


Must dash, got to rob a pensioner. Innit.

Reasons to vote for David Cameron

Top reasons you should vote for David Cameron:

1) Lovely hair
2) Winning smile
3) Is not Tony Blair
4) did not start a war in which over 25000 people have died (http://www.antiwar.com/casualties/)
5) Hasn't yet taken bribes from businesses, or even if he has, certainly isn't bonking his secretary or giving his nanny a crafty illegal visa. or getting drunk and hiring rent boys.
6) isn't some old duffer in the Liberal democrats
7) despite being a lying, self-centred, smarmy git; is definitely not Gordon Brown, either.
8) I said so
9) you are the sort of easily suggestible person who reads Weblogs, and therefore will likely be wowed by his use of an ipod.
10) you can tell everyone who you voted for, that's the whole point of a secret ballot - it's a surprise!


GAH! you see how much of your time i can waste with pointless quasi-political drivel? go and rinse your eyes out with battery acid as penance.

Shitingale

Some twat Called Florence pretended to shoot Dave Cameron the other day. Quite an interesting story as he appears to be a disenfranchised yoof in an impoverished conurbation.
Probably a closet homosexual, that would justify his name and penchant for hanging around with older men with 'straps'.

Bah, I'm not really writing this to make cheap jibes at some plonker, or even at The Newspapers for reporting the stupid ponce's fairy stories as truth. Or to get at David Cameron and his ever-so-reasonable approach. Or to wax lyrical about how brilliant I am compared to any of those people. Or to mention National Service, most certainly won't be mentioning that.

Seems that I'm just writing. Well, everyone else is doing it. Thought I'd give it a go. Got To. Common Sense. Surely. For a larf. innit.

Working

I was at work today when a customer came up to me and asked me if we had any Rice Flour:

"Rice Flour?" said I
"Rice Flour" said he

So I covered a palette knife with red chilli powder and shoved it down his urethra, the patronising twat.

Skanky Kitchen

I live with skanks. it's official. I always knew that going to uni with people who had families that loved them was going to be a bit alien, but shit.

Honestly.

Skanks.

Their Mummys have clearly done everything for them, namely the cleaning in this instance. Great people mind you, nice and friendly, but the Kitchen...
Got back from the Christmas holiday and noticed a large pile of pre-washing up on the worktop, the washing up bowl was festering, the fridge was sprouting all sorts of weird fungal crap from a bottom shelf encrusted with milk and ex-bacon. The vegetable drawers were like the inside of Ron Jeremy's pants. The bin won't get a mention because I lack the vocabulary.

The whole place smelt of puke and looked similar. 'My God, we're too late' I thought.

Cleaning it was one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life (probably in the top 10) it stank, it grew, it grasped at my ankles with long tentacles, I wasn't having that.

Three hours later and the place is gleaming (actually glinting in the cold, sterile, post-bleaching) and i know that in a week's time it will be exactly the bloody same as it it was: Rancid.
I'm not cleaning it again, there are too many sacrifices to be made in order to do so: Pink Marigolds and a feather duster - which on other occasions can be bloody good fun, are ruined when put to their intended use.