Bloody Student

In praise of...

2007-05-21T06:15:00.000-07:00

Whenever life gets a little tough, or just downright impossible there always find that there's someone willing to listen to you.

This person is the best listener in the world, you can sit for hours and they will just listen, let you get it off your chest.

This person is everyhwhere, and yet someone we barely acknowledge in our modern day lives full of TV, gizmos and the such.

This person is so very wise, caring and decent. I am talking, of course, about Captain Birdseye.

and so, this one is for you Cap'n Birseye:

So farewell then
Captain Birdseye
you nourished us
all with your fish
fingers up
until now you
always looked so old
then youthful and stubbly
faced. why the grumpy
look?
you daft
old seagull

SECXY GRL STIPS AND GET NKED IN BATH LOL

2007-05-11T10:59:00.000-07:00

I fucking hate spammers.
I never used to get any spam as my spam filter was pretty good, but then, one day it all happened: even more bloody spam e-mails. The levels don't seem to be as bad as they were in 1998 but there is still tonnes of the stuff - and the worst part? it insults our intelligence.

Take this little gem I received the other day: RE: TRANSFER OF (USD 16.6 MILLION).

'Odd' I thought, 'I don't remember contacting someone called Siraj Diop about getting over sixteen and a half million dollars for free'. I scratched my nuts. 'Must be too good to be true, but let's have a look anyway:

Dear so and so, etc etc; I am a loaded banker in Senegal and some git's dead and I want to defraud his family of their millions of dollars of inheritance, could you perchance give me your bank details? I'll bung you 35%.

'I am Mr Siraj Diop, (Bsc,Msc) the Auditor General of one of the prime banks here in Dakar Senegal'

'I need truthful person in this business because I don't want to make mistake I need your strong assurance and trust. With my position now in the office I can transfer this money to any foreigner's reliable person, intact pending my physical arrival in your country for sharing. and I want to remaind you that your share has been carculated at 35% of the total sum and 5 will map out for the transfer expenses .

Best Regard.
Mr. Siraj Diop

Bullet-proof story, of course. 16.6 Million is too good to be true but a paltry 35% of that is only about 5 Million dollars / 2 -3 million quid or so. which is much more realistic, with this in mind I got in touch with Mr Diop to make my fortune:

'Dear Mr Diop, I am thrilled and intrigued by your offer of 35% of 16.6 Million USD. I, being a gullible idiot would gladly trust you- a fraudster - with my Bank account details and certainly not question how it came to be that you acquired my email address. So without further ado here they are:

39-39-00
1234567890
Mr Donald H Duck, Royal Bank of Bloody Liberties

I have also taken the liberty of transferring all of my worldly monies into your account, as you will doubtless need these to 'transfer' the 16.6 Million USD due to 'an unforeseen complication' that will shortly arise, much to your excusatory charm I am sure. I look forward to further correspondence with you Mr Diop; it is certainly a trustworthy man who reckons himself to be not only a 'Msc' but is also pretentious enough to list the lesser 'Bsc' so that he has more letters after his name, in an attempt to curtail the matter of his mediocre grammar and dubious spelling - calling into question his intelligence and, indeed, authenticity.

lick my balls you cunting shyster

Lucassen

(Lucassen is my alias, and in case you're wondering: No, my real name isn't Donald H Duck)

Where was I? Oh yes. It insults our intelligence - do they really think anyone is going to fall for this stuff? DOES anyone fall for it? Sadly I expect that they do, it the same with all the crap about nowadays.

Lads Mags: ever had a look at the back cover? it used to be there was some good old-fashioned smut there: phone numbers where some ugly tart would talk dirty to feckless wankers for £2 a minute.

NOT ANYMORE! No, now it's:

Buy these pills for £8 a bag! If you thought those other pills were good then these will really blow your mind!! Over 3 times better than the original pills! buy 40 bags and get 20p discount! Mega-PILLS!

(no one knows what the sod they do)

Ring 0804750437 to get a picture of Big Brother's latest trollop with her tits out! Never seen before!

Step-right up and get your very own copy of The Paris Hilton Sex Tape!

X-FACTOR Gossip!

Call now and get a load of silly buggers for your mobile for a mere £13.50 per week and get a FREE ringtone!

FREE porn!

FREE sex tips!

FREE Plasma TV!

FREE Nelson Mandela!

Bollocks to it.

Hoodies

2007-04-29T09:40:00.000-07:00

I was reading a supplement called 'Live' in the Daily Mail today when I happened across an article suggesting that 'Hoodies' should not be 'hugged' but humiliated.

Jolly good, I thought.

Actually I thought it was drivel to be honest, how one can blame a particular garment for a youth crime wave - the whole thing stinks of 'moral panic'.
Hoodies are banned in my local shopping centre, because only thugs wear them - statistics say so; that the underclass - thats unemployed, benefit scrounging, Special Brew drinking criminals to you and me - wear hoodies.
Pity, I was quite getting used to my Hoodie - its a black one with the word 'Nike' one the front, and the disapproving stares it garnered me. I personally would quite like a hug from David Cameron (have you seen his hair? lovely) now I can expect the general public to point and laugh instead, according to the article in question.

My Nana bought my Hoodie for me, because she's very nice - I got my ipod free with my bank account, it's got Handel's Messiah on it at the moment.

Must dash, got to rob a pensioner. Innit.

Reasons to vote for David Cameron

2007-04-22T13:16:00.000-07:00

Top reasons you should vote for David Cameron:

1) Lovely hair
2) Winning smile
3) Is not Tony Blair
4) did not start a war in which over 25000 people have died (http://www.antiwar.com/casualties/)
5) Hasn't yet taken bribes from businesses, or even if he has, certainly isn't bonking his secretary or giving his nanny a crafty illegal visa. or getting drunk and hiring rent boys.
6) isn't some old duffer in the Liberal democrats
7) despite being a lying, self-centred, smarmy git; is definitely not Gordon Brown, either.
8) I said so
9) you are the sort of easily suggestible person who reads Weblogs, and therefore will likely be wowed by his use of an ipod.
10) you can tell everyone who you voted for, that's the whole point of a secret ballot - it's a surprise!

GAH! you see how much of your time i can waste with pointless quasi-political drivel? go and rinse your eyes out with battery acid as penance.

Shitingale

2007-02-24T16:26:00.000-08:00

Some twat Called Florence pretended to shoot Dave Cameron the other day. Quite an interesting story as he appears to be a disenfranchised yoof in an impoverished conurbation.
Probably a closet homosexual, that would justify his name and penchant for hanging around with older men with 'straps'.

Bah, I'm not really writing this to make cheap jibes at some plonker, or even at The Newspapers for reporting the stupid ponce's fairy stories as truth. Or to get at David Cameron and his ever-so-reasonable approach. Or to wax lyrical about how brilliant I am compared to any of those people. Or to mention National Service, most certainly won't be mentioning that.

Seems that I'm just writing. Well, everyone else is doing it. Thought I'd give it a go. Got To. Common Sense. Surely. For a larf. innit.

Working

2007-01-14T13:54:00.000-08:00

I was at work today when a customer came up to me and asked me if we had any Rice Flour:

"Rice Flour?" said I
"Rice Flour" said he

So I covered a palette knife with red chilli powder and shoved it down his urethra, the patronising twat.

Skanky Kitchen

2007-01-05T03:54:00.000-08:00

I live with skanks. it's official. I always knew that going to uni with people who had families that loved them was going to be a bit alien, but shit.

Honestly.

Skanks.

Their Mummys have clearly done everything for them, namely the cleaning in this instance. Great people mind you, nice and friendly, but the Kitchen...
Got back from the Christmas holiday and noticed a large pile of pre-washing up on the worktop, the washing up bowl was festering, the fridge was sprouting all sorts of weird fungal crap from a bottom shelf encrusted with milk and ex-bacon. The vegetable drawers were like the inside of Ron Jeremy's pants. The bin won't get a mention because I lack the vocabulary.

The whole place smelt of puke and looked similar. 'My God, we're too late' I thought.

Cleaning it was one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life (probably in the top 10) it stank, it grew, it grasped at my ankles with long tentacles, I wasn't having that.

Three hours later and the place is gleaming (actually glinting in the cold, sterile, post-bleaching) and i know that in a week's time it will be exactly the bloody same as it it was: Rancid.
I'm not cleaning it again, there are too many sacrifices to be made in order to do so: Pink Marigolds and a feather duster - which on other occasions can be bloody good fun, are ruined when put to their intended use.

Goodwill to all men

2006-12-13T04:38:00.000-08:00

In the run up to Christmas I've noticed a couple of things about people, often it's people who have very little who are the nicest, and often decent people believe that they can do nothing good and make no difference.

I've noticed these traits when I've seen homeless people,
These people have very little and will ask if you have any spare change, should you pass them.
Most people are aware of this and look the other way as they pass, in an attempt not to catch his eye, thus not acknowledging the question.

It's certainly normal behaviour, we've probably all done it at some point or another, Yet i think it's a pity - especially at Christmas.

Christmas is about reconciliation, about goodwill to all men - a christian festival that celebrates the birth of a saviour who was meek, caring, the very essence of human nature. Even if you think Christianity is a load of bunk, you'll probably still think this way about the nativity story or about christmas as being more than presents and booze.

So I ask you the question: what has become of your human nature? Will you ignore the problem and slip into your comfortable, sleepy christmas and focus on you family? There's nothing wrong with that, but will you broaden you family instead? will you consider the less fortunate as your brothers and sisters, and give them a little goodwill this christmas? It doesn't have to be money, it doesn't have to be food, or a warm blanket, or even a cup of tea.
A 'Merry Christmas' will do, give a little of your time and you'll be suprised how much you get back.

Whatever you do this Christmas, have a good one.

Salvia

2006-11-30T06:31:00.000-08:00

For those of you that haven't heard of salvia, it's a member of the sage family which contains a chemical called Salvinorin. Salvinorin is a hallucinogen and will blow your head to Mars if you do something silly with it, such as smoke it. Anyway.
Hypothetically speaking, if a rather foolish blog-taking student was to inhale said smoke through a home-made bong made out of a smirnoff lid, coke bottle and blu-tack bad things would undoubtedly happen, hilarity would surely ensue. This is the tale of what would happen if such an event were to take place:

Two students would sneak out of halls and across a field into a small ditch full of dead leaves and overlooking a greenhouse in the dark, dark night. one would fumble in his pockets for about five minutes trying to find a lighter and a small vial of Salvia that set him back four pounds or so. This accomplished, he would empty the tea-like substance into the socket of the bong and light up. He'd pull at the thing for a bit to fill the chamber with smoke before taking a long drag. he would hand said bong to his friend afterwards, no doubt.
He would find himself on a bright yellow boat rocked by a stormy sea, it would sway port, then starboard port then starboard. 'oooh. pretty colours' he would think. He'd soon jump overboard and into the wide sargasso sea; only to realise that it was a giant green and blue monastery. after exploring the halls and strange, hive-like protuberances a bong would find it's way into his hand and he'd take another, longer pull and hold it in.

He'd find himself in a gigantic warehouse and everyone would call him 'sir' and tell him that the new shipment had arrived - only to throw him in chains and fly about the room on blue triangles. Suddenly the escalator of time would catch the young student's proverbial shoe-lace in it's cogs and drag him out of this reality and down a drain, as though an invisible man had hold of his skin with magical hooks there would be a burning evil glow down the drain, and stuck at the grate said student would look up at the horrified warehouse faces. "Oh fuck! help me! they're taking me back to the nineteen eighties!!!!!" or some similar variation would escape the lips of the student and jar him back to reality. Confounded, he would lie back on the damp leaves and giggle inanely at the absurdity of the thing. Help his friend out of his exceedingly bad trip, stagger back to halls and collapse on the floor for a while. They would wake up and eat 19 mince pies and 6 sausage rolls to stave off the munchies. One would say "that stuff fucked me up." the other "yeah yeah. pretty cool". then one would stagger back home at three in the morning and be forced to reconsider the direction his life was going in; concluding with: "what the fuck am i doing?!". thinking all the time that it was a damned good thing that noine of this ever happened, not even the time travelling scientist in the submarine, explaining the wonders of the universe to his young nephew: that this reality was merely a dream - a subservient drama created as a cruel joke for an alien's entertainment.

In a nutshell, i expect that salvia is a very bad drug indeed and should not be taken by anyone, ever - as it may very well be more potent than many illegal drugs. but i wouldn't know any of this for sure, having never touched the stuff in my life.

Secular Religion

2006-11-09T15:29:00.000-08:00

Richard Bloody Dawkins, Biologist and Atheist.

Much attention has come recently of his book "The God Delusion" in which he espouses the virtues of Atheism as opposed to the nasty old habit of Religion. One would have to ask: "Why is he right, then?" and I would have to answer "well, he's not actually"

You see, for all the god-bashing with one hand, and the handing out laurels to science with the other; the comparison of Religion to a virus of the mind and the general witch-hunt he himself has created on behalf of the exalted dogmas of biology. For all of this, I say, he's been a bit of a prat and overlooked the cause of it all: his own self-loathing.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines Religion as:
1) The belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, especially a personal God or gods > a particular system of faith and worship.
2) a pursuit or interest followed with great devotion.

and good grief, there it is. Right there in two bold statements that would describe Dawkins's habits quite well I think.

The man has hundreds of followers, they have their ironically named bible: The God Delusion; they have their theory as to the origins of the universe, and they hate, hate, hate people of other beliefs. That's not to say that all religions hate other people of course, Buddhism is perfectly peaceful (and doesn't belive in a god even!) and Christianity is one renowned for 'love thy neighbour' and 'turn the other cheek'. in fact, i'd be hard pressed to find any religion that doesn't preach these basic human fundamentals. The desire to do good is fundamental to humanity, it's only when people see other people as things (like crazy religionists, blacks, terrorists or whatever) that fuck ups like 9/11 happen.

an easy comparison to make is such:

Atheist "I don't believe in God"
Evangelist "oh dear, you're going to Hell - there are none so blind as those who will not see"
Atheist "Gosh"
Evangelist "Read The Bible, Heathen"

WITH

Evangelist "I believe in God"
Atheist "your faith is analogous to a carnivorous gene complex"
Evangelist "Gosh"
Atheist "Read The God Delusion, Faith-head"

The point is: it isn't peoples faith that makes them different (and I include Atheism as a faith) it's their attitude - Dawkins clearly has become, or always was the thing he hates. He seems to me to be just as self-righteous as the archetypal religious nuts that he berates.
He flatly refuses to even discuss issues like Creationism (something I don't personally believe in, but each to their own) just as some of the people he interviewed on 'The root of all Evil?" did also effectively close their eyes and go 'la la la I can't hear you'.

On a closing note, Dawkins often refers to the 'Russell's Teapot' argument about God, essentially if one makes an assertion that something exists and it cannot be proved or disproved; then the fact that it cannot be disproved is no good reason to believe it.
A valid point, but the point that it cannot be proved is no reason to disbelieve it, either.
And even less of a reason to write an inflammatory book that objectifies people of different beliefs, all in the name of "Let's now stop being so damned respectful!"

birthday bloggery

2006-10-28T14:19:00.000-07:00

*slimy fiend creeps into the tree-flecked moonlight and begins soliloquy*

"hates them, nasty filthy hobbitses, it's our birthday... not a single parcel or magic ring in sight, not a cake or flicker of a candle *gollum*..

20 years old, yes precious, working at Sainsbury's on our birthday, *gollum* *hiss*"

I'm now 20

the end.

(bloody hell)

When in Rome...

2006-10-20T14:46:00.000-07:00

I've been at uni for about a month now and throughout the repetitive tedium of Fresher's week, the various offers from Wetherspoons and the multitude of nightclubs plying me with cheap drinks, one fact has surfaced: I'm addicted to cheese.
It's funny how you take people out of their comfort zones to discover facets of their personality that no one ever knew and this is mine: I'm addicted to cheese; cheap and cheerful cheese. cheese on toast. grilled cheese. melted cheese. cheese fondu. cheese.

That's not to say that I eat like a total bloody student of course: I made a spaghetti bolognese without poisoning anyone earlier this evening, and I'm quite partial to Pancetta. Pesto will always have a place in my larder, and so will the great British egg.

But I've seen the future, and the future is cheese.